by Tom Molnar

This episode we’re sneaking a peek at a Duke Slade kind of weekend. We find it’s not too different from a Duke Slade kind of ‘any’ day.

Finally, after months of badgering Connie, a waitress at a truckstop in northern California, Duke finds her at a weak moment and talks her into an ‘outing’ to celebrate the coming of Spring. He offers to introduce her to the fine points of wine appreciation by touring a few wine country wineries. Duke of course, is a wine aficionado whose expertise knows no bounds. Sonoma county is the lucky recipient of Duke’s presence for this jornada.

He has rented a car for the trip. It’s a little Kia with barely enough room for Connie, let alone Duke and his lanky legs. Duke, a Black Russian in his mouth at all times, keeps the air thick with smoke.

He tells Connie, "These rent-a-car bastards.... I reserved a Lincoln Town Car but when I went to pick it up they told me there was a screw up and this was all they had left. It’s their fault, baby. I wanted this to be a real special occasion and they ruined it."

This, of course, is a typical Duke Slade lie.....

"What’s ruining it Duke, is those damned cigarettes," Connie says

* * * *

So far, he’s taken Connie to the Roche Winery, the Sonoma Creek Winery, The Castle Vineyards, and the Cline Cellars as he works his way down highway 121. Finally, he announces that they’d hit the last stop. Duke turns into the Viansa Winery and Italian Marketplace. A whole pack of cigarettes has been consumed.

* * * *

"Oh yeah baby, this here one is owned by some friends of mine, Sam and Vicki. Why, I remember them when they had a hot dog stand in downtown Napa, er ah, Sonoma years ago. I loaned them some money to help get started".

Duke looks over at Connie, gives her a wink and draws deeply on his Sobranie Black Russian. He has done his homework and read the winery guides ahead of time, memorized some names, and drops them whenever he can. Duke tries to sound as if he’s spent his entire life in this area. He is going to impress this lady with his vast and endless cache of wine country lore. Truth is, it’s his first time in the area.

"Open a window, Duke. You’re killing me"

"And they’ve never forgotten it. If they’re in today I’ll introduce you to them." Duke pulls the little Kia into a parking spot, actually taking up two spaces with his crooked park job. "Yep, I pull at least one load of wine a month out of here." Duke cracks the driver side window.

I never should have agreed to go on this date, Connie thinks. Does this moron really expect me to believe this crap? She tried to tell Duke two wineries ago that she was ready to go home but he would have none of it. Connie was afraid someone she knew might see them and she’d have to introduce Duke. Then she’d have to call them back later and tell them he was not really a friend. She just felt sorry for him.

Duke pops out his cell phone and dials a number - HIS number.

"Let me give Vicki and Sam a call", he says. "I’ll tell them we’re here. Maybe we can get a private tour and some of their ‘special’ wine to taste."

The call returns a busy signal, of course.

"Nuts", Duke says. "Their line’s busy. I’ll try them again in a few minutes."

Duke gets out of the car, closes his door, puts his cowboy hat on, tosses a butt on the ground and leaves it smoldering. He walks toward the Marketplace building, still mumbling stories about his ‘friends’ Vicki and Sam. He glances over his shoulder and notices Connie still sitting in the car. It takes him a second to realize she expects him to open the door for her. He simply turns on his heel and goes back to help her exit.

"Yeah, it looks like it’ll be all right", he says, trying to give the impression he hasn’t opened her door because he is first making sure ‘everything is all right’ before exposing her. "Doesn’t look like it’s too crowded today."

Of course the place is jammed to the hilt like it always is on a weekend. Connie gets out and makes a back and forth fanning motion in front of her face with her hands. Ahh, fresh air…

As they make their way up to the ‘Marketplace’, Duke offers up some more of his expertise on wine… He reaches for another cigarette.

"DUKE!!!", Connie scolds.

Duke takes his hand away from his shirt pocket.

"Yeah baby, it’s taken me years to acquire the skills needed to appreciate the true joy of wine. Not everyone knows how to do it." Looking up as if he was addressing God, he continues.

"Knowing how to check for clarity, evaluate the bouquet and, of course check the legs, are just a part of the skills needed to even begin the enjoyment of a bottle of fine wine. Without at least these minor skills you’re just swilling. Lucky thing you’ve had me to teach you today. Now here at the Marketplace they not only have wine to taste but also cheeses, breads, and other gourmet faire. I love it all."

Connie looks at her watch.

"Ya know Duke, it’s getting late. Don’t you think we ought to be going soon?"

"Naw. The day’s young yet. I’m hoping we’ll see my friends while we’re here. Great people. You’ll see. C’mon, let’s try some of Viansa’s finest."

Through all the throngs of people they’re able to get close to a table with several kinds of cheese and cracker combos. Duke grabs a cracker, dips it into the cheese loaf - and breaks it off.

"Damn, they musta just put this cheese out. It’s still too cold."

Connie takes a cracker in one hand, picks up the little cheese spreader provided, and applies some Brie cheese flawlessly. She nibbles the edge.

"Ooh, this is good stuff," she comments.

Duke picks out the pieces of his broken cracker, tosses them into the trash, and this time grabs the cheese spreader to try again. "Yeah, I guess I’ll have to use this thing, since the cheese is too cold."

Connie looks around, taking in all the sights and sounds. The place is jammed with people and the atmosphere is alive with the din of the crowd all talking at once. And the smells….. There’s fresh baked breads coming out of an exposed oven. There’s tables everywhere with samples of vegetable dips, cheeses, healthy snacks, and yes, even a table with samples of bottled waters. This place could be fun. She’s going to have to come back here with a real friend some time. Not Duke.

Duke grabs Connie’s hand and leads her to a wine tasting counter. "C’mon baby, let’s do some real tasting."

"Good afternoon sir. Ma’am." The tasting steward greets the couple with a smile. "What will be your pleasures?"

Duke uses his finger to push the front of his cowboy hat up so he can see better. He looks over the top of his sunglasses, which he hasn’t bothered to remove since they arrived.

"My baby here is my real pleasure", Duke says, adding in a big grin. "But we’d like to try some of that so-vinyun blank there."

Oh brother… The steward reveals an ever so slight cringe as he reaches down behind the counter and takes out two glasses, turns them right side up, and pours a small amount of wine in each.

"Enjoy", he says.

Duke takes the two glasses, turns to Connie handing her one, and leads them away from the counter. He holds his glass up to the light. He’s checking the clarity.

"Uh oh. Lookie here. See these little things floating in the wine? They call this detritus."

"Looks to me like some cork," Connie says

"See? That’s why it’s a good thing you came with me", Duke says. "Here, give me that glass."

Duke snatches the unsalvable glass out of Connie’s hand and walks over to the stainless steel bucket hanging off the tasting bar.

"This is what you do with waste wine like this. They call this a spit bucket." Duke pours both glasses into the bucket, turns to Connie and says, "This is swill. Not at all up to my standards. Let’s try that other white stuff over there." He points to another steward at the other end of the bar.

What a jerk, Connie thinks. I’m sure I would have liked that wine just fine. Detritus indeed…

On their way to the other end of the bar they pass another table with some samples on it.

"Ooh", Duke exclaims. "Liver sausage. My favorite."

He reaches down for a cracker, goes to ‘dip’ it into the loaf of ‘liver sausage’, when Connie grabs his wrist.

"Duke!"

She takes his cracker out of his hand, picks up the spreader, and slices off a small portion of the loaf. As she spreads it on the cracker for him, she looks up and offers some advice.

"Duke, I don’t think these samples are designed for dipping. This isn’t a buffet at some truck stop. And I don’t think this is liver sausage. I think the name is ‘foie gras’. At the very least, in this place I think you’d call it pâté."

"I knew that," says Duke. "I wasn’t sure you knew that and I didn’t want you to think I was trying to show off."

"Oh," Connie says. "You’re so thoughtful, Duke."

Across the table are little sandwich-like offerings filled with a variety of taste delights, arranged in a circular pattern on a large tray.

"Finger sandwiches", Duke says. "Another of my favorites. Here, try this one." He grabs one and hands it to Connie.

"Duke!" She raises her paper plate up to meet his hand. "Put it on my plate. Please! And these aren’t called finger sandwiches. At least not here. I’ll bet they’re called canapés. And when there’s a serving spoon or spatula, please use it." She points to the large cake server placed on the edge of the tray to be used for serving the samples. "You’re such a truck driver. This isn’t the Flying J".

"Yeah", he says.

Duke turns around and heads towards the tasting bar, leaving Connie standing by herself at the table. She watches Duke swagger away. He sure looks good from the back, especially the farther away he gets…

"Yes sir.", the steward says as he addresses Duke.

Again Duke uses his finger to push his hat up, then peers over the top of his sunglasses.

"I’d like two glasses of white," Duke says.

"Well sir, we’re sampling our latest Chardonnay and a rather delightful vintage Sauvignon Blanc."

"Fine", Duke says.

"Fine what, sir? Which would you like?" The steward is aggravated with Duke’s boorish demeanor.

"We’ll take some of that blank there. And fill ‘er up this time eh?"

"We are tasting wine here today, sir. This is not a chug-a-lug contest." Nevertheless, he pours about two inches in the bottom of each glass and slides them toward Duke.

"Blonk", the steward says. He gives Duke a disapproving look. "Blonk." He starts to walk away, then turns back to Duke. "Enjoy", he adds. "Next?" He walks toward the next person at the bar.

Duke walks back to Connie, hands her a glass, and says, "Here’s some fresh blahnk".

"Blahnk?", she exclaims. She laughs aloud and says, "This is most likely called ‘saw-vin-yaw blonk’. What do you think, Dukie? Do they have any Ripple we can taste?"

"Yeah, sure", Duke says. He pats his shirt pocket to make sure his smokes are still there. Boy, it’s oh-smoke-thirty.

Just then a distinguished looking gentleman walks in the front door and is immediately surrounded by a crowd. A nearby women exclaims to her partner, "Why, that’s Sam Viansa, the owner isn’t it? Let’s go over and see if we can meet him!" They scurry over and join the increasingly growing crowd.

"Wow", says Connie. "Did you hear that? It’s your friend Sam. See him over there by the door?"

Duke suddenly gets nervous. Omigod. What am I gonna do now? He lifts his hand up and does a purposeful watch check. Then he looks over at the gentleman who has become the object of all the attention.

"Ya know Connie, I think you’re right. It is getting awfully late. We should probably get a move on here. I don’t want to get you home too late. We’d better get going. Besides, I need a smoke."

"But Duke, you guys are friends. All these people are strangers. I’ll bet he’d love to see an old friend."

"Well, it’s just not fair to all these people. After all, none of them have ever met Sam before. I’ll let them have their chance. We can talk with Sammy another time, maybe when we can sit down with him and sample some of his private stock. You should see his collection of fine cigars. C’mon, let’s get going. It’s getting really late and I don’t want you to be sorry you came today."

As all the other people in the Marketplace crowd toward Sam, Duke and Connie head for the door….. with Connie smiling all the way.