Keith A. Hamblin
MAY 13, 1996
This Essay published, Truckers USA September, 1996
I can't sleep and I can't eat. Heck I can't even look my kids in the eye any more. I shave blindfolded because I can't stand to look in the mirror and I havn't so much as shined my boots lately for fear they might show me the guilt ridden worry in my tired, dark circled eyes.
I was in a truck stop the other day, feeling guilty as usual and wondering why more truck stops don't care enough about the destiny of my soul to have an on-site Priest and confessional boothe, when out of nowhere a Pride driver named Mike said, "Hey! Aren't you that Keith Hamblin guy that's in Truckers USA?" Well right away I knew who he really was and so thinking quickly I said, "Nope! I know that guy and he is an upstanding, law abiding citizen." To this my new friend replied, "Yeah but you look just like him and your name tag says Keith Hamblin on it."
I HATE NAME TAGS! Well naturally I had to confess. The guy had me dead to rights and there was nothing else I could do. Through blustery eyes I searched him up and down for evidence of a badge or a snub nose .38 but found none. Still halfway certain that he was actually an undercover agent for the Special Forces Division of the North American Department of Renegade Trucker Enforcement, (SFDOTNADORTE) as you may know them better by, I stammered almost gleefully, "Okay, you got me! I'll confess everything. Please, just make this guilt and pain go away!" Holding up my wrists for the handcuffs I asked, "Would you please tell my wife I loved her?"
Man! Those undercover guys are good. This one was really good because he could imitate a look of shock, misunderstanding and fear like no actor I ever saw. He almost convinced me, temporarily at least, that he really was just a regular driver. In fact he said exactly that when I asked him if he was not actually an undercover agent for 'SFDOTNADORTE'. "N-n-n-nooo m-m-man!" he brilliantly stuttered as he was backing nervously away. "I'm j-just a regular driver! M-M-M-Mike!"
Well it occured to me as I watched that blur of boot heels and elbows flash almost invisibly around the end of the fuel desk and out the side door to the fuel island; I had been right all along. It was the stuttered name that blew it for him. Who would have so much trouble pronouncing their own name? Unless of course you are using an assumed name and the fear of a blown cover makes you almost forget.
I chased him around the parking lot for nearly half an hour. Me yelling that I wanted to confess and him yelling to please just go away. It was rather inconsiderate of me now that I think about it. I mean all that yelling and stuff could have done serious damage to his cover and what undercover agent needs that kind of grief? He finally lost me but I feel totally absolved for my effort. Well as far as the 'SFDOTNADORTE' is concerned anyway. I still feel guilty but if Officer Mike ever approaches me again I will adamantly refuse confession of any sort. He wouldn't be able to drag it out of me with bamboo shoots under my fingernails now. He had his chance and that's it!!!! Nope, they could throw me under the deepest dungeon in the Pentagon now and as far as I'm concerned they are just wasting perfectly good dungeon space because; MY LIPS ARE SEALED!!!
Okay, enough is enough. All seriousness aside. The truth is, I am a law breaker and I'm not sorry. Most of the miles I drive are in the state of Utah and in spite of all the wisecrack jokes about Utah drivers, it has actually been pretty good most of the time. For one thing I'm not stuck down on the left coast with all those truck hating politicians right? Well guess what? Some of them moved here and they are doing their little pencil pushing best to turn Utah into their own little piece of Coastal Eutopia. What? You may ask, am I talking about? Well the most obvious besides the growing gang and traffic problems is the traffic regulations. Trucks are no longer allowed in the left lane in Utah. It's our own fault. We wined and dined the puppet masters there, to move the silicon valley here but we never considered the possibility that the puppets would come too.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the average Joe citizen when I say that. Coastal Eutopia lost one or two really good citizens too. The people I'm talking about are the fools who spent 15 years at The University of Babes and Frat Houses or somewhere, studying for a BACHELORS degree in transportation but have never come any closer to actually driving than the back seat of a taxi cab. Then because of that really important looking piece of paper hanging on the wall we get duped into believing they actually know something about the transportation system. I don't know this for certain but what else could it be? Surely no one who has the slightest inkling of what really happens out on that big road could ever make such ill-informed, unwise, ridiculous and absolutely dangerous laws as the ones we are being forced to work around every day.
Okay, I admit that there are some bad truck drivers. Somehow they slip through the filters or maybe they were good at one time but life on the road changed them somehow. Are there not also bad politicians? Police officers? Doctors? I don't see how anyone can justify punishing an entire profession for the foolish acts of a few. I think no Dentist should be allowed to clean teethe anymore because there was that one down in Florida that gave those people A.I.D.S.... Gee, that sounds like grounds for a class action lawsuit to me....
Let me put it this way. I had more classroom, shop and on the road driver training before the age of 18 than most private drivers have in their lifetimes. The continued training I must have each year alone is more than many private drivers will have in their lifetime. I have 18 years of accident free experience as a professional driver and 2 years longer than that as a private driver. My truck recieves more safety inspection and service in a week than most private vehicles recieve in a year. My truck pays for more asphault in a year than the average private driver will pay for in a lifetime of years and vehicles. If I do not have a good safety record I lose my license to operate, not only my commercial license but possibly my private license as well. If I screw up in my private vehicle it effects my professional license as well. When I get into a truck I automatically give up my constitutionally guaranteed protection from illegal search and siezure. If a four-wheeler doing 75 mph runs into the back of my trailer which is only moving 55 mph, my truck is shut down and I am out of service losing my familys' bread money until the D.O.T finishes a complete bumper to bumper inspection of my truck to make sure my brakes and lug nuts were in compliance at the exact time those poor, headless motorists learned the hard way that dual speed limits are not wise.
Gee! Why do you suppose we get a bad attitude and yell a little bit when some pencil pushing fool is allowed to make another regulation which is obvious to us, just another way for the state to steal money from people who really can't afford to give anymore?
We pay for the roads and we are the most highly trained to use them but we are not allowed to use them. The left (through) lane is for that guy that has to commute 10 miles to the office and doesn't want to be stuck behind that damned truck The right lane is for those big heavy, hard to manuver trucks with the highly skilled professionals to get more highly skilled by long practice of dodging those commuters who have to make a fast lane change at the very last second to make that exit. Don't worry about that reflector there pal. It's just for looks anyway.
Okay confession time. What are those laws that I am breaking? Well for one, since I am not allowed to use the left lane even for passing a slow vehicle and since it is illegal to pass on the right side of another vehicle I am just out of luck if I come up on that motor home that refuses to concede the lane and wouldn't dream of exceeding the minimum allowable speed limit of 45 mph in a 65 mph lane. I guess I am just supposed to take the next exit, call dispatch and warn him that I am going to be late because by the time I get back on the freeway that motorhome will have just barely made it to the other side of the overpass and I will still be stuck behind him. WRONG!!! My company has bills to pay just like I do and if they can't pay them they can't pay me either. Another good one is the fact that I absolutely refuse to kill someone just because he has never learned to grasp the horendously difficult skills of merging into traffic. On a two lane section of freeway I am still forbidden from using the left lane so when that guy pulls up the ramp and can't decide why in the heck he ever took up driving in the first place, I should just park and block the traffic behind me until he comes to a decision and proceeds with the merge. WRONG AGAIN!!!!! See above...
Hey I have an idea. Instead of punishing the people who you have charged all that money to train on safe procedure, how about just enforcing the "slower traffic keep right" laws which to the best of my knowledge is a law in every state. "HMMM, we can't seem to enforce the laws we already have and people are complaing about the traffic problem, whatever shall we do? I know, let's stick it to the truckers again. Everyone hates truckers and that will satisfy the people enough to keep them off of our backs."
Some of us in Utah got together and called one of those ever so wise officials who had helped to put this law into effect. I would love to use his name but mama says that probably wouldn't be wise. We complained to him about the unsafe situations he was creating for us and we wanted to know why it had been done. He told us, "This is off the record but we were getting too many complaints from motorists who said you were blocking the through traffic in the left lane." We tried to explain to him that not only were we the through traffic but that in truth, other than a few isolated cases, we were not the ones blocking the traffic. He said that he knew that but that there was nothing he could do about it. We asked what would happen if we got caught out there trying to avoid an accident and he said, "Well hopefully the officer who saw you in a situation like that would excercise a little judgement." Boy, that sure made us feel better. What if the officer didn't see why we moved out there? What if we top that next overpass right after saving a bunch of lives but he didn't see that, he just knows that we are in the left lane and therefore criminals open to any punishment he see's fit to dish out? I love this job!!!
I have been able to maintain my safety record because I have been allowed to use my training and judgement in situations that called for it. Sometimes this has called for a short burst of speed which exceeds the limit. Now on a daily basis it calls for committing the horrible crime of driving in the left lane of traffic, which I paid for by the way, and\or passing on the right side of a vehicle. You want stocked grocery shelves and safe highways too? No problem. You just let me do my job the way experience and training guides me and you will have both. We do it your way and someone is going to die!!!!!
Think about it and remember; that pencil you're pushing, the paper you're pushing it on and that way cool mahogany desk my taxes bought you came by way of a truck!
Oh, one other last thing. Schneider has an undercover agent working for them too. I know this because I ran into him while I was trying to catch up with Mike. I was running past him and I said, "Hey, did you see Mike run past here?" He said, "Nope! I didn't see anybody." Yeah right. So how come you didn't ask who Mike was then? I think you already knew.....